


I Hope You Find It

by MissLittyKitty



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: F/M, Lost Love, Love, MissLittyKitty, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 15:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2072937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLittyKitty/pseuds/MissLittyKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A walk down memory lane might bring you down. Or it might shed new light on old shadows of thoughts. Or it might do both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hope You Find It

**Author's Note:**

> One Shot  
> No warnings. Maybe have a tissue nearby.  
> Inspired by the song “I Hope You Find It” by Cher.  
> The story takes place around the time “Thor” came out.  
> Many thanks to my wonderful betas Wusch and sweetoceancloud. Feedback is very much appreciated.  
> Originally posted under the name of hiddleston-infusions on tumblr.

This was probably the stupidest thing I had done in a long time. Just what the hell had I been thinking? What was I thinking? And why now for God's sake? I always thought I'd been done with this over a year ago. I should've been done with this over a year ago. I needed to have been done with this over a year ago.  
My grip on the handrail tightened, my knuckles almost white due to the sheer force with which I held on to the wood and I halted in mid-step on the way up a flight of stairs.  
It was a long time ago. Too long a time to be doing this. And a lot had happened since then. So why in God’s name was I doing it? Why was I most likely ruining all the good things that had happened to me in the past months? 

"Miss, are you alright?" The female voice asking brought me out of my thoughts. I opened my eyes and my head snapped up, my gaze focusing on the older lady on top of the stairs.  
"Yes," I croaked. "Yes, I'm fine."  
"Then come on up. It is right around the corner here," she said encouragingly and I felt how hard it was to keep the 'I know' inside that wanted to come out. It didn’t take long to join the woman on the landing upstairs.  
"Right around here," she said again, pointing to her left. I followed her down the short hallway which hadn’t changed at all: the pale green wallpaper, the wood paneling, down to the carpet on the wooden floor boards – it all was exactly as I remembered it.  
I felt a lump in my throat as the landlady inserted the key into the lock and opened the door wide for me to go in first.  
My stomach cramped up as I took the first step into what had once been my flat...our flat. I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest. My hands balled into fists, clenching tightly around the fabric of my coat, pressing the silver band on my left ring finger almost painfully into the skin.  
With a deep breath I took another step forward. And another. And one more. Until I stood at the exact spot where our coffee table used to be. A small fireplace was right in front of me, unlit at the moment; and a small shelf stood on its left hand side. Other than that the room was bare; but in my mind, I remembered. Memories I should have forgotten long ago resurfaced; broke through the barrier I had built around them in the past months to help me cope.  
Before my mind’s eye a sofa appeared to my right, the room darkened and the fire in the hearth illuminated the room with its warm, dancing light. On the sofa lay two people, a woman and a man, cozily snuggled up to one another, a blanket covering their tangled legs. The man was holding a book in one hand, reading from it while the woman listened to his every word.  
A sole tear fell from my eye, slowly running down my cheek. Those had been good days. The best days - and I had ruined it all.  
A cold shiver ran down my back, bringing me back to the present. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I jeopardizing what I had built for myself after...after what I had gone through? Why was I putting my own happiness at risk?  
Once again I felt my heartbeat increase as if it wanted to tell me it had all the answers I sought. But I refused to listen. I did not want to hear what it had to say because deep down, I already knew. I’d known all along that I would never be able to get over him. 

"Miss," I heard the female voice again, once more ripping me from my miserable thoughts. I spun around to face the older lady who was eyeing me with growing concern.  
"Are you sure you're alright? You are as white as a sheet. And...why are you crying?"  
Her words made me almost succumb completely to my tears; but I forced myself to take a deep breath and wipe the moisture from my cheeks.  
"Thank you but I am fine...or at least will be," I explained. "It's...it's just...some painful memories."  
"Oh child," she exhaled, "you should've said so before. I would have respected your privacy. Would...would you like me to give you...a minute?"  
Surprised by her kindness, I answered her question with only a nod. She instructed me to just close the door when I was done and come downstairs to find her. She had already turned to leave when she faced me once more and said, "Whatever it is you are looking for, I hope you find it."  
My eyes widened at her words and my hand flew to my open mouth, covering it; trying to keep the sounds inside that wanted to escape. What she had said made me realize the real reason why I was here: closure.  
My gaze focused on a spot to the left, right by the windows. The exact same spot he had stood in on that fateful day when my world had fallen apart. And it washed over me in a wave of emotions, the memory:

 _"You know what - fine, just do it if you have to, alright? I'll make your excuse at our best friend’s wedding. Fine," I yelled, exasperated and turned away from him._  
_"That's not what I said," he said calmly. "I merely told you that I might be late for church and that I'm going to meet you there."_  
_"Is that going to be the way it's going to be with us?" I wanted to know, finding his eyes again. When he didn't reply, I continued, "Will there come a time when you'll even be late for your own wedding?"_  
_His eyes widened in shock and he stared at me._  
_"I...my own...you want to get married?"_  
_The sheer surprise on his face at the idea of us getting married was like a stab to my heart. Pressing my lips into a thin line, I wrapped my arms around myself._  
_"Yes, Tom. I do want to get married. Not today, not tomorrow but soon."_  
_His lips opened and closed several times but nothing came out. But I didn't need him to say anything. I knew. He didn't want to marry me. Not now. Not for the next couple of years anyway. I took a deep breath and with my voice shaking, I asked, "Do you really expect me to hang around and wait forever?"  
_ _Our eyes met and we just looked at each other for a long time. Then he rounded the dining table, drew me into his arms and hugged me long and hard. When he eventually pulled away, he softly kissed my forehead before he turned away from me. And without a word he walked out of the door and out of my life._

That had been the last time I'd seen him, spoken to him and what I had so desperately tried to figure out all these past months, now presented itself to me effortlessly: he hadn't wanted to choose. All this time I had tortured myself with asking why he hadn't chosen me; why I hadn't been as important as his acting was. But as I found out now, I had totally misread his actions.  
I knew how dedicated he was to his work. And it had been this passion which had drawn me to him. His undying, true passion for acting, his love for literature and for life.  
And with my thoughtless words I had forced him to choose between his real passion and...me. A choice no one should have to make; a choice he hadn't wanted to make. And he hadn't. 

I knew now how very, very unfair that had been on my part. And I also knew that by walking away he had not chosen against me. With his hugging me, kissing me on the forehead he had set me free - ultimately transferring the choice I had given him to me. With his actions he had wanted to make me find out if I could live with him following his passion. If I could endure the temporary separations - if my love for him was strong enough to be by his side through all the ups and downs he was facing.  
And stupid me had made no attempt at contacting him again, telling him through my non-action that I didn't love him enough. That I had given up. And that I had. I'd been devastated, hadn't been able to stop crying for a week and had constantly driven myself crazy by asking over and over again why he didn't love me enough. Which was the completely wrong way to look at it as I knew now. My eyes widened with realization. I had finally found out but he hadn't. 

With hasty movements bordering on panic, I went through all my coat pockets eventually fishing out my mobile. He needed to know.  
I found his number in my phonebook and pressed dial before I could think twice about it. I had no idea if he was still using this number but I had to at least try. The ringing tone in my ear seemed a good start, yet after five rings the call went to voicemail. My nerves left me and I hung up, removed the phone from my ear and stared at the picture I still had selected as his caller ID.  
It had been taken on one of our date nights two and a half years ago in a photo booth. I was looking up at him while he was looking down at me shortly before we had kissed.  
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to gather my strength. I needed to do this. I needed to let him know that I knew now, that I understood.  
So once again I pressed the dial button and lifted the device to my ear. And once again I was sent to voicemail after the fifth ring. At least that's what I thought. Taking a deep breath I started to talk. 

"Tom, hi...it's me. I...I don't even know if this is still your number but...I...I need you to know that I finally know. I...I'm in our old flat...I saw that they are planning to take down the building and...I just had to see it one last time. And being here...it made me understand. So...I understand it all now. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for...for basically forcing you to choose. And I'm sorry for misunderstanding your actions. I'm so sorry for being unable to give you what you were looking for and I really, truly hope you find it...if...if you haven't already.  
"I know it's much too late but I just had to let you know. I...I really wish you all the best and...and I hope you are happy...wherever it is that you are. And...and I hope you can live your dream. I...that's all. I just wanted you to know. Maybe...maybe let me know if you get this." 

With that I ended the call, realizing only now that there were tears literally streaming down my face. Once more I squeezed my eyes shut, pressed my lips into a thin line and balled my free hand into a fist around the fabric of my coat, willing myself to stop crying. To no avail. I was helpless as the waves and waves of tears and sobs came crashing down on me and I just let myself sink to the floor, curling into a ball on the cold, hardwood floor. It was at that moment, when my world came crashing down a second time, that I knew I couldn't marry the man I was engaged to. How could I when I knew that I loved someone else? Had never stopped loving that someone else?  
I gave in to the next wave of tears, not caring about the cold slowly creeping onto my skin and into my body.  
Why had I never realised all of this before? How could've I just given up on him? On us? It was all so very clear to me right now, why had it taken me so long to figure it out? 

I cannot say how long I just lay there, succumbed in my sadness, my broken heart when suddenly gentle hands took hold of my arm. A voice called out to me and through the veil of tears I saw the blurry outline of a woman kneeling next to me.  
Her hands moved to my shoulders and she heaved me into a sitting position, shaking me urgently. I sucked air into my lungs, releasing it in one last sob.  
"Thank God, Miss. You gave me quite a scare," I heard her say. I wiped the wetness from my eyes and face and only now recognized the elder landlady who had showed me upstairs.  
"I'm fine," I mumbled, averting my eyes out of sheer embarrassment that she had seen me in this state.  
"Like hell you are," she spat, shaking her head almost violently. "Whatever it is that you are, fine is not the word I'd use." Her look was full of compassion when she sighed. "Come on, up off the floor or you'll freeze to death," she said and took hold of my upper arm.  
I am quite ashamed to say I really let her help me to my feet because I had no strength left. My knees felt like jelly and my eyes surly were red and puffy from crying.  
"How...why did you come back?" I inquired. "Did you forget to tell me something?"  
"Come back? - Child, it's been over half an hour since I left you here alone. I was starting to worry that something had happened."  
"Oh," was all I could muster to say while my eyes widened with surprise. The older lady nodded in agreement and I took a deep breath. 

"Thank you," I said, a slight smile of gratitude forming on my lips. The landlady smiled back, shrugging her shoulders and nodded once more, letting me know she understood. Together we left the flat and I followed her along the hallway back to the stairs. While she already started her descent, I took one last look at the door to my old flat and in a way at my old life. Before new tears had the slightest chance to form, I let out a deep sigh and took to the stairs to arrive downstairs just in time to hear the older lady ask, "And how can I help you?" 

Her question was directed at a man who stood with his back to us but turned at the sound of her voice and I froze. It couldn't be possible.  
"I...I was hoping to...," he trailed off as a high pitched sound just so resembling his name came out of my mouth, interrupting him and his gaze fixed on me.  
"Hi," he said, a rather shy smile on his lips, "I...I got your message."


End file.
